Much like my fellow blogger on the western coast, Twenty Four at Heart, (see my bloglist to the right) I live in a small town that has a lot of big talk. I often joke that my little massage room is where I learn what is happening in this town. No need to buy the paper, just ask my clients.
This was proven (once again) to me recently when my MT intern was in a major motorcycle accident. When we spoke a few days after her accident she asked me to keep it kind of "hush hush". She didn't want to answer the questions or worry what everyone was thinking. Too late...my clients were telling me soon enough. And they weren't just telling me there was an accident, they were telling me the details of the accident. Details that hadn't been released to the public.
Small town, big talk.
I never thought I would be the subject of the gossip, however. Honestly, this is one of the main reasons I have not posted about the recent happenings in my life. It is incredibly personal and while I don't have enough of an ego to believe that everyone (or even anyone) from my town reads my blog regularly - I do know they have in the past.
It has come to my attention that the word is out. People are talking. I can't avoid it no matter how much I try. I have told only the people that I believe have the right to know (people that have something vested in me or my future in some way)...but already the word has spread.
So now what do I have to lose? Nothing but to set the record straight.
Kirby and I are separating. The reasons are not necessary. I feel this was inevitable and (for lack of a better term) what happened was just the "shit that hit the fan" and encouraged me to move forward.
At this moment in time he believes that we can still work through this. I do not. As I said, this was the final straw...it is exactly what I needed to make the move.
Due to finances and lease agreements we are stuck living together until May. 10 months. A very long time to live with someone that you don't want to be living with anymore.
Let me remind you all that Kirby and I have made many sacrifices over the years to ensure that I am able to stay home with the kids. One of these sacrifices is my business. My hours are choppy, my clientele is small and there is very little room for expansion because my number one priority is being home with the kids. Our financial situation is not do to poor planning or irresponsibility (at least not all).
I am doing my best to look at the positive side of our living together for the next 10 months. One being that we have ample time to prepare the children for the changes we are about to go through. The other is that he and I have ample time to learn how to do this together even though we are not together. The last is to work towards a way to tell the children together with as much civility as possible, ensuring that they understand this is NOT about them.
We are consulting with a couples counselor this week. This is NOT to reconcile the relationship. Our (or at least my) plan is to work towards a "contract" of sorts, an agreement on how we are each going to handle the next 10 months with each other and with our children. This needs to be as civil as possible while making as little impact on our children as possible.
My feelings and moods change everyday. Days that I am alone with the kids and they are being terrors I wonder how I can do this alone. Days that I see something or hear something or he says something I wonder why it took me nearly 10 years to get here. Days that I think about telling the boys I shake and wretch and cry hysterically.
Slowly but surely I will get there. With the support of my friends and my family I will make it. I have started seeing a counselor on my own to help me make it through. She knows me well, knows the dynamics of the household and knows what I need to be healthy. I'm not saying that she is making any decisions for me, just helping me stick by the ones I have already made even when I am not feeling like following through.
So, townies, there it is. If you feel the need to talk, go ahead. Just do me a favor and watch my kids. Don't be cruel, don't spread this like it is the news of the century, don't bad mouth myself or their father. Matter of fact, don't talk to them about it at all.
"Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around." Frank A Clark