7/25/08

Crack Pots...

My sister Monica sent me the following:



An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.



For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.



After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, be cause this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'



The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' 'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'



Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.



I have read this before and I do really like it. I wonder, however, if there was a hidden reason for her sending this to me. Now this could just be me taking things so personally right now - I don't doubt that.



I know that my family would like for me to work things out with Kirby and I understand that. They are thinking of the kids. I GET THAT.



My siblings and I were products of divorce. Each of us were effected in different ways. I think that others were more effected than I was.



Honestly, I was relieved it was over. I was sick and tired of the fights. I was tired of protecting my little sister from the arguments (her room was closest to theirs so she would come into my room at the other end of the house so she didn't have to hear them). I was tired of the drama and the tension.



I am not saying that it was easy growing up in a divorced home. And it certainly hasn't been easy as an adult child of divorced parents. It is a constant fight between homes (where's Christmas, Easter, etc). Getting our parents into the same room for a kid's birthday party is ridiculous (one parent handles it better than the other but it is still so childish)...and feeling like you can't talk about the other parent when you are with one because you worry that you will hurt their feelings. It still isn't easy.



Believe me when I say that these reasons and more are why Kirby and I have stayed together this long. I don't EVER want to put my children through this. I don't EVER want them to feel like they have to choose between us (as children or adults).



But I have realized something over these past two weeks. The cracked pot does not give me enough water to be healthy. And I don't believe that it is only the cracked pot's fault...I chose to put up with it for this long (and I taught him how to treat me). But because I have waited this long to do something, I am completely dehydrated. And I don't believe that any other pot (cracked or not) is going to make me healthier. I need to learn to get from the water hole to my home on my own...and keep healthy and nourished while doing it. Maybe I just need a water bottle or a CamelBak. I don't know what the answer is...



One thing I did learn from my parents:



Kids know what is going on. You can fight behind closed doors, you can stop fighting all together. But kids know. Kids feel tension. Kids feel energy.



I don't believe that staying together for the kids is always the right thing to do...and I don't believe it is the right thing for our situation.



Right or wrong...I don't know. I am doing my best to listen to a higher power on this. I have never been known for making the right decisions in my relationships with men...this time I need to turn it over to someone else.

6 comments:

Veggie Mom said...

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Molly said...

I think it is hard on a child no matter their age, when they know their parents are unhappy. I am 39 and I wish my parents would just get divorced already because they are so unhappy with each other. You have done what is right for you and your children, and your family should support your decision no matter what it is.

I know it's not easy on you, believe me, I have been in shoes similar to yours, but you will get there in time and you will look back and know that you made the best decision ever.

Sometimes Sophia said...

The story is lovely... but it sounds like a tale you would tell a discouraged child who has a brilliant sibling. There's no connection there to a broken marriage. Some relationships can't be mended, and I think it takes a lot of guts to recognize it.

My parents should have been divorced, but they chose not to... and it was awful growing up with their unhappiness.

It's equally difficult to divorce when one of the parties really wants to stay married. Talk about bitterness and blame. From the kids, too, who may think the one who leaves is the villain. We're talking personal history here...

It's much better to part as friends if at all possible.

You need to do whatever it takes to make you feel like a whole person... not someone living a half-life. Your kids are resilient.

I hope you have a really good friend or counselor to help you sort out your thoughts and emotions.

You're in my prayers.

jawgee1 said...

FYI - that story was about Andrew not about you and Kirby, but see in it what you will.

wehave9 said...

Hey there, fellow sitsa here. Sorry to hear of your struggle but if you listen to your heart, you will know what to do. I love the story, it really makes you think.

Nicki said...

I like that Story :) as for you and kirby and staying together or separating, you know how I feel. Whatever is going to make you and the children happier in the long run is what I want and what I will support you with. But you know that I think you deserve to be happy and loved, and I don't think that you are feeling that, and I don't think that staying with Kirby for the kids is setting them a good example. Staying with Kirby should be what YOU want for YOU. Your relationship with him as your partner is different and separate from your relationship with him as their father. And they need to see what a healthy happy relationship is. If that's with Kirby, then that's great! and if it's not, everyone will still be ok. *hugs*