Two Cranky Kids + One Honda Civic = One Incredibly Cranky Mommy

Both boys had eye doctor's appointments about an hour away. I am not sure why I haven't learned to schedule them on different days...I always seem to think it would be easier to do both at the same time - I AM ALWAYS WRONG!

The van is out of commission. I can't drive the "old" van because Kirby isn't sure the patch is going to last. So I end up driving his Honda Civic. Tiny. Two doors. No AC. Two kids in car seats (well, one is in a booster). One Mommy that hasn't eaten or slept on a regular schedule for about a week and a half...can you say disaster? Did I mention that we have an hour drive (+/- depending on traffic).

Did you say disaster? Okay, say it a little louder, increase the pitch...louder...louder - okay, there you are. That was my day!

Have you ever tried to buckle a kid into a car seat in a two door car with my size rear end? NOT EASY!

10 minutes after picking Z up from rec and A up from "school" they are screaming. In the mini van they sit in two different rows so they can't touch each other. In the Civic they, essentially, sit on top of each other. SCREAMING - high pitched SCREAMING. I turn up the radio and tell them if they better quiet down or we are going to skip McDonald's..."can you roll up the window, I'm cold...it's too windy..."

20 minutes later we are at McDonald's drive-thru. Z and A argue about whether they are getting the "boy" toy or the "girl" toy...Z is telling A he must be a girl if he wants the little pocket pet thingy - SHUT UP, DON'T TOUCH. They tell me to pull over and wait for my nuggets. NO AC - 80+ and NO WIND...."I'm hot..."

25 minutes later, back on the road, nuggets in hand (why I chose to make a happy meal my first "real" meal in days is beyond me...I paid dearly) I decide that the radio isn't working anymore to drown out the sound of the fighting children in the back seat. I pull out my MP3 player (that has become like another appendage lately)...it won't start...is the battery dead...WTF?! I must have looked like a junkie who couldn't get her fix while I was trying to switch the battery. I was shaking, nearly hyperventilating...OMFG IS THIS A JOKE?!

Both windows are down, again, no AC. Trash starts flying out the windows...I can't even do anything. McDonald's bags and straw wrappers...flying out the window on a 55+ highway...there was no stopping me.

5 minutes from the doctor's office, MP3 player working (ignoring my children well) my left arm goes numb. From the shoulder down I can't feel a stinking thing. I know it is from hanging it out the window (because it is so stinking hot in that car)..."are we there yet...what town are we in...where are we..."

Pulling into the parking lot my MP3 player stops working, again. How will I ever make it home? I can't worry about it I have to find a parking spot. "No Z, I CAN'T park there, it is for physicians only...WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR LICENSE YOU CAN TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE. UNTIL THEN - ZIP IT!!"

Into the doctor's office. Quiet - for a few minutes. We love this eye doctor. He specializes in pediatrics and the office is really designed to cater kids. He is the one that did Andrew's eye surgery - we trust him and love him completely.

HOWEVER, in each and every room they have a computer screen that they use for the eye tests. While you are waiting for the doctor they show a loop of Veggie Tales for the kids. It is the same loop that they were showing when we started going to the doctor 6 years ago!! Are you freaking kidding me? I can only hear "cebu moo moo, cebu moo moo, cebu moo moo, cebu moo moo, cebu moo moo, moo moo moo moo moo moo" so many times before I start to go a little more insane...

Both kids need new glasses. We stop in at the eye glass shop, pick their glasses, wait and wait and wait for the women to put the order in and head home. "NO your glasses will not be ready today. I already told you twice they will be ready in about a week. NO you are NOT getting prescription swim goggles - SERIOUSLY?!"

In the car, MP3 appears to be working...both boy's eyes have been dilated. Since it is so bright and sunny they have no other choice but to close their eyes. Silence. Ah. Thank you lord!

20 minutes later they are both WIDE AWAKE. "I'm hot...it's too windy...STOP TOUCHING ME".

20 minutes from home traffic stops. STOPS! I have to pee like a freaking race horse and traffic is not moving AT ALL. I can see them clearing the road from an accident. Why oh why can't they hurry? "GO MOMMY" - "I can't go honey". Then the meltdown starts (can you say DRAMA?) "we're never, ever gonna go. we're gonna be stuck forever. I wanna go..." Oh. My. Lord!

We made it home. Everyone is in one piece. Veggie Tales won't get out of my head. I will do my very best to NEVER EVER schedule their appointments on the same day again. I don't care what gas prices are. I don't care how many days I have to take off from work. Never, ever, again!


Heather said...

Ohhhhh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm driving around in a minivan without AC right now (it goes in tomorrow for its fifth, count 'em - FIFTH!, AC system repair. Even worse, each thing that's broken on it in the past 13 months has been new and different, so it has cost us five times). The windows down-windows up squalling is bad enough with just my one 5 year old in the back, I can't imagine multiplying that times 2. *shudder*

As for pediatric eye docs, well ours has Shrek playing whenever we're there. Our kiddo has not been allowed to watch Shrek yet, so all she knows of the movie are the 5-10 minute segments she catches there. I think I'd almost prefer VT, though Song of the Cebu is not my favorite. If it were the Cheeseburger song or Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps, I probably wouldn't mind as much... Those VT songs do get embedded in the brain, though, and take up valuable real estate (at least in my noggin) that could otherwise be occupied by things like the 3 items one went to the grocery store to buy without a written list.

By the by, we lived in NH for a spell back in the day (the mid 90s). We were in the Upper Valley area, aka the Area Where You Must Drive at Least an Hour to Get to Any True Civilization. We're in the midst of the "big city" now in comparison.


Crazy Momma said...

The VT loop does not only include the Cebu song, but the hamburger song and the larry boy song and the song about "keep walking, but you won't knock down our wall"...somebody shoot me! I'll take Shrek anyday! :) The grass is always greener.

We live in the lakes region of NH -aka "the Area Where You Must Drive at Least an Hour to Get to Any True Civilization"...I can't even get to a Walmart...but we love it!

Insane Mama said...

IT'S THE FULL MOON! It messes with everything!

Jessi said...

OMG... LMAO...
I am so sorry!

Christy said...

I know how you feel! As much as I miss NH, I don't miss having to drive an hour to get to anything and everything! It's especially difficult when the kids are littler like your are.

I will say though,that all of that time in the car made them great travelers. Whether we've gone overseas, flown to Florida, or driven 17 flipping hours in the car to go to NH, they handle it beautifully!

It's a good thing b/c we're renting a place in Wolfeboro (your neck of the woods!) on the lake next month and we'll be DRIVING! The kids ususally deal with it better than I do!

Christy said...

Oh my god, can you say too many exclamation points? I think I drank too much coffee this morning.

angie said...

Don't you wish you could erase some days? Gone? At least you all arrived home in one piece, right? :)

Thank you so much for taking the time to pop over, browse around and comment on my posts. I look forward to returning and looking around. :)

Brandy said...

I hate to laugh at your pain but I can't help it!!!

Thank goodness you all made it back in one piece!