Critters Hide When They Hear My Name

Fellow blogger Heather from Mindless Junque recently posted about a "Big A$$ Rat" and it reminded me of a couple funny stories in the critter department.

I am a girl (do you doubt me cause I CAN prove it). While I can be "tough" in many ways, rodents and critters in my home do not help me show my toughness...Outside of the home I am fine. Field mice are cute, bats eat "bad bugs", raccoons are funny...IN my house?! Not okay!

Living in the boonies we have had our fair share of critter encounters. Those that think I am soooo strong will realize quickly how wrong they were:

When Z was a baby a bat got into our house late one night. Not only was it in the house but it was in the bedroom - my bedroom, the one I shared with Z and Kirby.

Kirby couldn't catch the stinking thing and it kept swooping down towards me and towards the baby...I was FREAKING out! At one point in time it got UNDER the bed and climbed up into the headboard. Kirby yanked the mattress off to try and find him but those little suckers are sneaky!

After about 10 minutes of freaking out, trying to protect my baby and trying to help Kirby I finally gave up. I grabbed Z and ran into the bathroom closing the door tightly behind me.

Kirby found me on the floor, clutching Z, rocking back and forth, crying "I want my Daddy"...I have never lived it down.

A few years later Kirby was away on a business trip in New Jersey. I was home alone with the kids. In the middle of the night (or VERY early morning, try 2am) I woke up to use the bathroom. What I find was one of the most horrifying things EVER: a mouse.

I didn't know what to do so I grabbed the cat, threw him in the bathroom and closed the door. Then I called Kirby....in New Jersey...to rescue me...

A VERY groggy K (AVGK): "humph...hello"

A VERY scared me (AVSM): "THERE'S A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE"

AVGK: "Where?"

AVSM: "IN THE BATHROOM"

AVGK: "well, what do you want me to do about it? there is nothing I can do from here"

AVSM: "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I TRAPPED IT IN THERE WITH THE CAT HOPING THE CAT WILL EAT HIM"

AVGK: "I'm in New Jersey, it is 2 in the morning...I can't help you...I'm sorry"

AVSM: "FINE, FINE, WHATEVER....I GUESS I WILL JUST WAIT IT OUT AND GO CLEAN UP THE BLOODY MESS LATER"

I'm pretty sure I hung up on him...At the time it all seemed incredibly rational.

A few hours later, after the noise of the cat scurrying around the bathroom stopped, I grabbed the dustpan, some paper towels and some cleaner and made my way in the clean up the bloody mess. However, there was no mess to be found. Either that cat ate the entire mouse or....well...I didn't even want to think about what else could have happened...

But a couple years ago I found that mouse (or his cousin, brother, sister, whatever) in the bathroom again. Again, I called Kirby who was at work and he was all "jesus, there is nothing I can do, I'm an hour away"...so I was, again, left to my own devices (and hang up on him...see how rational I am when I am scared?).

I trapped him in a cup...but then I didn't know what to do and when I tried to move it he got loose. I screamed - I am lucky the neighbors didn't call the cops...I screamed bloody freaking murder!

I knew I couldn't leave him for the cat - that stupid cat had proven to me what a big defender he was last time there was a mouse in the bathroom.

He climbed up behind my linen "closet" and hung on for dear life between the rack and the wall...I had no other choice, lives were at stake (lives that I consider MUCH more important than this little rodents)...I grabbed a cat dish, opened up the doors to the linen "closet" and slammed the dish against the spot where the mouse was...and I screamed, the whole time.

Then there was bloody freaking murder. I held the murder weapon in my hand..an empty cat dish. And I was left to clean up the remains. The autopsy revealed blunt force trauma...what a way to go...I bet he didn't even know what hit him...

Now you all know the truth. There is blood on my hands...I feel so relieved that I have finally admitted it to the world.