Letter to the Thieving Whore

Dear Tooth Fairy,

I want to thank you kindly for the past few nights of little to no sleep. I am sure that in Fairy Land you are ensured a minimum of 8 hours sleep after flying all night...but lately, I am lucky if a get an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep at night.

It all started a few weeks ago when we noticed A had his very first loose tooth. It was exciting and he was so proud.

The tooth still hadn't come out this past Monday but it was incredibly wiggly. So wiggly, in fact, I was scared he might swallow it in his sleep. We tried to help him get it before he went to bed to no avail.

Then, in true A fashion, I got woken up at 3:15am. He told me he had to go pee. I walked him downstairs and the second we got into the bathroom he SCREAMED "IT CAME OUT" and he handed me his tooth.

Of course we were excited. He even got to wake Daddy up and tell him all about it. We decided that we would wait until the next night to put it under his pillow...and two hours later A was still talking about it. TWO HOURS LATER I was still NOT SLEEPING!

Last night I worked and Dad, of course, forgot to put the tooth under the pillow. Never fear, however, A was sure to remind me all about it at midnight. So under the pillow it went, at midnight...

Somewhere between then and 5:30am you must have made an appearance. I know this because that is the point in time was when A woke, checked under his pillow and proceeded to cry for the next two hours because you "STOLE" his tooth. I mean REALLY cry. HUGE tears. He was SO sad.

Of course, I realize that you left a beautiful note (that only slightly resembled my handwriting)and a $5 in its place. I know all the things he can do with $5 and I am sure he is very grateful for that...but Christ almighty, could you have left the freaking tooth?!

Seriously, lady, do you understand what it is like to go night after night after night with only an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep? Do you know what it is like to walk around all day in a haze because you haven't slept properly in weeks? No, I am sure you don't because you don't have kids. Every morning after flying around stealing children's teeth from under their pillows you lie your ass down on a puffy white cloud and you fall asleep. No one there to wake you up, no kids screaming your name or claiming to have to pee.

So, Fairy Girl, next time you decide you are going to make an appearance in my home you have to options:

1) Bring a sleeping potion from the evil step mother and pass it along to me so I can be sure to get a full night's sleep. Or,
2) LEAVE THE FREAKING TOOTH UNDER THE FREAKING PILLOW!

If this means he doesn't get the money, I am sure he will understand. In all honesty, he doesn't give two craps about the money, he wants the nasty, old tooth. And, really, does it make all that much difference to you anyway? I mean, you have been collecting teeth for years...does my ONE child with his crazy tooth obsession (and amazing ability to function with little to no sleep) really make a difference?

I thank you for your time,

Bitch Mom from Hell

P.S. Could you clue me in as to how inflation effected your payout? I got a lousy quarter for my teeth - these kids are getting $5 for the first and, at least, $1 for each tooth thereafter? And if I pull my teeth out and leave them under my pillow, how much do you think you could get me?

Please be sure to check out the blog all about the new lead regulations the will lead to the closing of hundreds of thousands of thrift stores and consignment stores while also making it illegal for you or I to resell our children's used clothing and toys HERE.