I can't remember if I posted this before. I tried to look through my old posts and couldn't find it...
I want to forewarn you that there is some downright foul language...but I do love this old blog from my myspace page:
I hate the gym. I don't understand why it seems that only beautiful people go to the gym. Isn't the gym for getting in shape? Why is it that I feel like the largest person there who is breathing the hardest and struggling the most?
Step two in doing good things for me was joining the local gym. Here in the boondocks we have a few to choose from. One that is for women only (similar to curves with a higher price and just as many gossiping women), one for body builders complete with grunting men, old equipment and freeweights up the wazoo, one for rehabilitation (it is part of the hospitals physical therapy place but it does have a pool)...They are all over priced ($37+/month) and none of them have great hours (the latest stays open until 8pm during the week and only 4pm on weekends).
Then there is "Gordo's" the gym that I chose. It is a new place with brand new equipment including freeweights, machines and cardio. There is no place for stretching, it is small and the owner is always there. He is also the personal trainer...you get 3 free sessions when you sign up.
So last week I broke down and bought a membership. I recently hit my highest weight since losing over 100lbs a few years ago and it has been affecting every aspect of my being. Did I mention how much I hate the gym?
I show up the first night and the owner/trainer seems surprised...who can blame him? I was surprised I had made it as well...
I did 30 minutes on the bike (I like to be lazy when I work out), I struggle, I listen to my music and try to drown out the pain, the heavy breathing, the burning in my legs and the note on the bike that says "if you are not feeling well, stop immediately" - are you fucking kidding me?! I finish, ready to go home and veg on the couch when he (the owner/trainer) makes a decision that I really should learn all about the weight machines and set up a plan. I'm not very impressed...I really wanted to ease my way into this.
He walks me through the machines, sets up my weights asking after every one "how does that feel". What I want to tell him is that it feels like shit, it hurts, my body is rejecting the thought that I am making it work harder then it has in years - but instead I paste on a fake smile and say "it feels good..." He makes me get on the elliptical, I last a good minute...I hate the gym.
The next night is my cardio night. The girl at the desk (who fills in on the rare occasion that "Gordo" takes off) also seems surprised that I have showed...WTF?! She suggests I try the elliptical, it isn't as boring as everything else, she tells me. 3 minutes later I am ready to die. I mean heart pounding, burning, struggling for breath DEATH! I figure that was enough and, again, I jump on the bike for 30 minutes. I see another beautiful female member do 45+ on the elliptical, feeling like an ass the whole time I sit on my ass on the bike...I HATE the gym!
Night three, I am feeling okay. Every muscle aches, but I am getting into a routine. I have committed to 3 times/week and I will do it. So, I go...much to my dismay. Nobody seems so surprised this time...finally, hopefully, they have realized that the fat girl is actually going to make it. Tonight is a full body work out. I am suppose to do my 30 minutes of cardio and my weights. Gordo is there...there is no getting out of it.
He suggests that I start with a 15 minute warm up on the treadmill or the elliptical...I tell him the treadmill is just fine, thank you. He walks me through my weights again, counting every rep, there is no cheating here. I say "12" he says "no, 9, keep going". Again, he wants to know how I feel after everything. Jesus, its like all these crazy people want me to be happy about being there. Crazy...insanity! Who likes this? I make it through, finish up with 15 more minutes on the cardio and prepare for my weekend off! I LOVE my last day at the gym...
Monday was my first day back. She is there again...sweet and willing to stay late so I can finish my routine (ah, shit, I thought I was sneaking out early). I do my warm up, move on to the weights, realize that I am counting out loud...feel like an ass. Jump on the ab machine. I know this is tough for me. I can't remember where to put my legs...don't use your legs...is that what he said...why is this so tough...I could do 12 a few days ago...two...three...shit...I need to stop. Sweet Maria walks over, you might want to take the weights off that, maybe that is why it is so tough on you...STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! I finish my weights and head out, hanging my head in shame...I am a moron....and I HATE the gym again.
Yesterday I am back to cardio. Gordo wants me to try the elliptical again. He suggests I warm up on the treadmill then move onto the elliptical. Whatever. I guess the worst that can happen is that I die of a heart attack..right? I am the only one there, it is a quiet day. Good thing, I have nobody to feel less then...bad thing, Gordo wants to be sure that I am doing everything right and can hear me every time I turn the machine on or off...
I do my 15 minutes on the treadmill, I like the treadmill but don't understand why I can't do the stinking bike. Why can't I be lazy while I am working out...why must I exert as much energy as possible...realizing that is the point. I warm up then move on to the dreaded elliptical. At 1 minute I am saying only 4 more, 2.5, halfway there....3, I am NOT going to make it....4, push, push, push, 5...thank the fucking lord above I did not die. I am breathing so heavy that I am sure that he can hear me across the room even over the loud music..."how was that"...MOTHER FUCKER! How the fuck did he think it was? Does he not see me gasping for breath, sweat pouring out of every orifice of my body...snot coming out of my nose because I can't get the air in fast enough...smile..."fine" I gasp, "just fine"...I don't think I need to say it again, but just in case I HATE THE GYM....I finish my 15 minutes on the treadmill, ask him to spot me on my abs and fly out of there as fast as I can - he says as I am leaving "you are really committed to this aren't you" in a voice that is both surprised and respectful...nice.
I smell, every time I leave there I smell like an ass that has not been washed in weeks. I hurt. Every muscle aches, it is hard to walk up the stairs to get into the house, walk the dog down to his lead...pick up the kids...ugh!
I know this is good. Again, doing good things for me can be painful. I know that and, today, I am willing to work through it. I think I need to get my own personal massage therapist to work on me before I go to the gym everyday. Today I am not sure how I am going to make it through full body...thank God Joy can get me in before I head in!
My trips to DD's have become less frequent. Not only do I need to save that money to pay my membership, but a DD's donut has more calories in it then I am burning every day...seems a little worthless. I miss my Boston Creams...there is always my black iced coffee....working on cutting out the sugar again, adding my multies back into my diet ("thank you for calling GNC, your multi-vitamin headquarters", I learned my lessons well) and drinking my protien shake...drinking less coffee and more water. Peeing has become second nature. It is not uncommon to pee every 30-45 minutes...what a pain in the ass that is!
I am thinking about posting before and after pictures...maybe I'll make that decision after I hit the after :)
*** Update: Gordo did not say "committed" as I previously posted...he said "determined". And the mother fucker said it again today. He comes to check on me while I am on the treadmill "cooling down"...he looks and sees that I am almost at 20 minutes and says "WOW, you REALLY ARE DETERMINED!" - like it's some fucking shock. I can't decide whether to love him or hate him...maybe I'll decide when I hit my after :)***
The time at the gym was short lived. In fact, to this day, I avoid Gordo at all costs (which is not easy in our small town). There is no reason for me to not work out except that I hate it and it is hard work - that's it, I am just lazy :)